Eager Ejaculation and what you can do

Dear Dr. Myrtle, What can I do to make my erection last longer? I come so fast, and the more we talk about it, the worse it seems to get. Many men experience less control of their sexual responses than they'd like. In books and movies, our culture seems to glorify the mad, passionate rush to intercourse as the ultimate sexual experience. The problem is that frenzied sexual experiences can be difficult to control and unsatisfying. Although it may not seem like it, this provides couples with a great opportunity to learn to become better sexual partners and to improve their individual sexual skills. How? By doing their homework. Where do we start? The first, most basic "assignment" is learning how to communicate about arousal. Most of us think that sex happens more or less spontaneously and that we shouldn't have to plan for or talk about sex. This leads to assumptions about the other person's desires and expectations. Since pleasure is something that each individual experiences differently, no one can truly know what another person finds arousing without asking. If both partners want a mutually satisfying and engaging encounter, they can achieve it by learning to talk about sex with each other. Talking is one of the sexiest interactions you can have with a lover. Ask your partner, "Do you like it when I kiss you here?" and "Should I touch you harder or softer?" As he or she responds to your touch, murmur, "Does this make you hot?" Being a good lover means learning to please someone else, not simply focusing on your own pleasure. Each person can learn more about their own and their partner's response to sensation. And just imagine what all this research can do for your technique! The next step? The next assignment is to learn more about the nature of sexual arousal. Arousal is actually a part of our every moment. Arousal keeps us breathing, it increases when we need to concentrate on something important, and it calms down to let us sleep. The arousal system even has it's own neurological pathway (the autonomic nervous system), separate from the nerves that make your fingers move on command. But unlike the nerves that move your fingers, arousal is not directly controllable. For instance, your heart beats now without you having to think about each beat. Although you can slow your heart rate some by thinking about it, it's impossible to control your heart rate entirely with conscious thought. Arousal works in much the same way. So, sexual arousal = physical arousal + erotic conscious thought. In response to erotic stimulation, heart rate and blood pressure automatically increase, and breathing becomes more rapid. Skin flushes as increased blood flow causes muscle and deep skin tissues to swell. If erotic stimulation continues, the sexual organs of both women and men become engorged as blood flows into specialized erectile tissue (in women, the clitoris; in men, the corpus cavernosa of the penis). Eventually, the erectile tissues become so swollen that the veins that would normally carry blood away from them compress, trapping the blood inside. This usually causes the sexual organs to become stiff and erect. (And yes, women's clitorises do get erect!) Eventually, an aroused person may reach the "point of no return," at which point it is no longer consciously possible to hold back from ejaculation. It's often assumed that orgasm and ejaculation are one and the same. That's not quite the case. There are two stages of a man's orgasm: the cognitive awareness of pleasure, and ejaculation. These events happen two or three seconds apart. During the contractions of the prostate gland, the arousal system sends pleasure feedback to the brain, which is experienced as orgasm. Men may experience the prostatic contractions as a pleasant fluttering or throbbing sensation. The second stage, ejaculation, occurs as stronger muscle contractions propel semen down the urethra and out the tip of the penis. The "point of no return" actually happens between the first part - the pleasure - and the second - ejaculation. When is "eager ejaculation" a problem? Ejaculation that occurs before either partner wishes is often called "premature ejaculation." The trouble with this term is that it sounds like a medical disorder. It's not. Even the fastest ejaculation isn't a problem if both partners prefer it that way. Women who are not particularly fond of intercourse, for instance, may not dislike it when their male partner ejaculates quickly during intercourse, and may prefer their partners to bring them to orgasm through oral sex or a vibrator. But many couples do favor prolonged, slow-to-climax interludes. For them, the downside of what we'll call "eager ejaculation" is the dissatisfaction and frustration they feel when the sexual encounter is over before each participant has experienced their desired level of pleasure. Things NOT to try: What are some "ejaculation remedies" that are well known but don't work very well? Men sometimes drink alcohol to slow themselves down. And while it's true that alcohol does slow responses, it can also make it difficult to get an erection in the first place. Sometimes partners take a "hands-off" approach, hoping that a lack of caressing and touching will allow their mates to last longer. But if touching is not allowed, what's the point of having sex? Then there is the classic approach whereby men try to dissociate themselves by reciting baseball statistics or the names of all the presidents, or any other memory device, in their heads, or purposely thinking of something very unpleasant and non-erotic. What this "focus-on-something-else" approach fails to take into account is that arousal is an involuntary response. Involuntary responses means that it is nearly impossible to consciously try to become less aroused. It's like the process that occurs when someone asks you to stop focusing on your nose. Once someone makes you think of your nose, it's tough to think about anything but your nose! Men who experience eager ejaculation frequently have this focus problem; they don't want to come, so they inevitably focus on the exact thought or fantasy that virtually assures that ejaculation will happen quickly. All these solutions - drinking, avoidance, and altered-focus - can cause more problems than they solve. They dissociate you away from what you are doing and what you are feeling, and they make you forget how sexy your partner is. They are also very unlikely to successfully help in lengthening your sexual experience. Things to Try Path One: Multiple Orgasms/Multiple Ejaculation Technique Sometimes, people whose sexual lives are captivated by the "OOHHH NOOO!" ejaculation need to realize that it's ok to accept what is and have fun with the way you are. Does it have to mean the end of everything because someone experiences an ejaculatory release? It doesn't have to. Sometimes it's a matter of giving yourself permission to have a big, long sexual session. One strategy for 'dealing' with eager ejaculation is just to have a whole bunch of orgasms, rather than the "one" you "are supposed to have". Who wrote that 'only one' rule? If you can, why not just come and come, again and again. This is your sexual pleasure we're talking about, and no one else decides when the curtain goes down on your party. The multiple orgasms & multiple ejaculations technique is probably physically the easiest technique to learn. The idea is to focus very consciously on the sensations that are arousing to you, do exactly what arouses you most, and don't hold anything back. Play around, and if you want to ejaculate again, go for it. If you need a toy, like a dildo or vibrator, to up the intensity of your erotic play, consider investigating the possibilities rather than holding back. The major drawback to coming and coming is that it can be hard to avoid the post-ejaculatory stupor. With big ejaculations, your arousal system has also "shot its wad," and you might not have the energy to go on without a moment of sleep. Path Two: Multiple Orgasm Without Ejaculation: Separating Orgasm from Ejaculation For men who want to experience the pleasure of orgasm without the exhaustion of ejaculation, this is the technique to try. It's possible to learn to stop after every orgasm before ejaculating, and to multiply orgasm without ejaculation. Interestingly, it's the ejaculation itself that is often experienced as exhausting. In fact, multiple orgasms without ejaculation have an energizing effect on some men. The first step is learning your personal arousal and orgasmic cycle. It's helpful to rate your arousal on in a spectrum from 0 - 10, with 9 or 10 indicating the point of no return. Start by deciding to pick a number in the middle, like 4 or 5, then practice by masturbating to a fever pitch and slowing down as you reach that number. You will still be aroused with minor stimulation, but you will learn what it feels like to be aroused to a 4, say. Then, pick a slightly higher number in the spectrum, say a 7. It's a little trickier here, but you want to really focus on the physical sensations that you're experiencing, and slowing or stopping the stimulation/masturbation when you get to 7. Next, vary the level of arousal that you aim to stay at. Hang out at '7' for a while, slip back to 5, try going to 8, and down to 3. When you feel more confident, you can try the highest-9--, but don't pick the highest number until you're sure you can climb back down the arousal ladder. Different people use different techniques to lower arousal. One thing to try is to take long slow breaths in, and let the breath out quickly in a couple of bursts. This helps to disperse your sexual energy, and take the tension out of your spine and lower back. Another technique is to contract your PC muscle-sort of a male Kegel exercise. Contract this internal muscle by squeezing the muscle that runs from your tailbone, around your anus, and all the way forward to the base of your penis. You can often tell if you are contracting this muscle correctly, because your penis will bob up and down slightly. Next, incorporate this PC flex into your masturbation play-masturbate up to a '5', then contract for two seconds. Slow and speed your self-play, and work on incorporating this PC flex into the ups and downs of your arousal cycle. Similarly, you can activate this same control pattern by pressing on the "Million Dollar Point"-the spot between your scrotum and anus-while contracting your PC muscle. This helps delay ejaculation by refocusing your attention on your arousal, and interrupting the ejaculation reflex. Isn't this like the "Stop-Start" Technique? All of these techniques are really different from the "Stop-Start" Technique, because stopping completely can mean a loss of your erection all together. It's also different from the "Squeeze Technique", because everything that you are experiencing is pleasurable or neutral, rather than negative or aversive. Also, the squeeze technique cannot be done while you are penetrating your partner, while the other techniques can be done at any time. Rather this is a prolonged session of playing 'faster-slower'. The goal is to stay somewhat aroused, and to manipulate what arousal level you stay at. Enjoy the feelings of decreasing arousal, as well as increasing arousal. Once you accomplish this, try masturbating to orgasm, and concentrate on the sensations of the prostate. You need to learn what it feels like to experience the orgasm and, for most men, the prostate fluttering, before you can know when to hold back from ejaculation. Focus on the sensations, and see if you can experience the orgasm without ejaculation. Ok, I'm having a blast here. But what about my partner? With increased awareness of sexual arousal and physical cues, you can expand your practice to include partners. With a partner involved, you might have to relearn most or all of your cues. Why? Because it's one thing to stop your hand, or turn off your vibrator when you need to ease off, but it's a much greater task to communicate what you need to a partner. Fortunately, most couples report that the process of talking is in itself very satisfying, because they feel more connected than when they are silent. All of the techniques that you've been practicing work with partners though, because none of them require that you pull out from penetration. Your partner will have fun playing with you and your arousal, pressing your Million Dollar Point, and practicing your breathing techniques with you. What works for you will work for your partner. Wow. Where can I find out more information? All of these techniques and exercises are well described in the best book on the topic: The Multi-Orgasmic Man: How Any Man Can Experience Multiple Orgasms and Dramatically Enhance His Sexual Relationship by Chia and Arava. Have fun.