|
Dear Sex Counselor,
I feel like there are lots of messages about sexuality being pushed my way, and it's hard to sort them all out. How can I know what is really "healthy" sexuality, and learn to develop my own sexuality in a positive way?
 Ah, sex. We joke about it and use it to sell everything from cars to beer. But most of us never really learn about sex -- what to expect, how it works (and doesn't work), and what to do when it isn't what we expect. If only sex was like driving a car -- you get lessons and lots of practice with an experienced person to guide you through the pitfalls before you try it on your own.
So consider this one of the pieces of your sex education manual. We can't be there to walk you through it all, but we can help you understand what to expect and how to think about sexuality in your life
What is healthy sexuality?
- Sexual expression and activity that is consensual, without coercion, and without "strings"
- Pleasureable sexual play for each person involved
- To be engaged in with awareness and the ability of each person to be fully present. If you have to "check out" during sex, it's a sign that there is something you need to fix in order to have a healthy sex life.
- Fun! Sex is playful, intense, silly, and can be full of laughter.
- In a relationship, sex renews intimacy, encourages a deeper connection, and provides a different way for two people to communicate.
Most of what we learn about sex we learn from our friends, magazines, movies, and word-of-mouth. Unfortunately, this leads to a lot of mis-information that can be damaging to our sexuality if we choose to believe it.
Some of the myths about sex that many of us learn:
Myth: Sex is something you "just know" how to do. It doesn't require practice, and comes naturally. You should know exactly what to do and how to do it.
Myth: Sex is always fabulous. Every time you engage in a sexual act you experience absolute pleasure, and fireworks go off and your body is filled with joy and happiness (or something like that!)
Myth: Sex = intercourse. If you're not having intercourse, you're not having sex.
Myth: Only beautiful people, with thin bodies, have sex.
Myth: Sex happens seamlessly -- moves from kissing to disrobing to caressing to "sex" without awkwardness or discomfort.
Myth: Men always want "it" and women always want romance
Myth: You should always feel lust toward your partner, and if you don't, there's something wrong with you.
Myth: "Everyone else" is having great sex all the time (or, at least, more than you)
Myth: People over the age of (40, 50, 60, etc) don't have sex or are no longer sexual
Myth: You should always be "ready" for intercourse immediately -- men should be hard right away and women should be lubricating a lot, and quickly
In reality, sex is often very different from the view we see of it in movies, on television, in magazines and in romance novels.
Here are some truths about sex:
Truth: Good sex takes learning and practice -- it doesn't happen easily at first, nor is it "rockets and fireworks" all the time.
Truth: Sometimes sex can be awkward and silly and uncomfortable, and messy, and all the other things that happen when humans are involved. Other times it can be wonderful and magical and amazing. But not every time, and not as often as we are led to believe.
Truth: Sex requires good communication to work well. We all have to get over being shy about asking for what we want and like during sex, or we won't get it! No one can read anyone else's mind, and moving your hips and moaning can be really hard to understand ("Was that an 'oh, I like that!' moan, or a 'don't do that anymore!' moan?")
Truth: Good, healthy sex requires that you know your body -- how it works, what you like, how you like to be touched. We are all very different -- some folks like to be lightly stroked; others find that light touches tickle too much. Don't expect your partner to know how to arouse or touch you if you don't tell him or her what you like and don't like.
Truth: Orgasms are healthy for your mind and body. That's not something your doctor or mother usually tells you, but it's true!
Truth: Almost everyone is sexual in some way -- it's up to you to find out what sex is for you and how you enjoy it, and with whom. And if you are someone who just isn't interested in sex or intimacy, that's okay as long as you are happy with how you are. If it causes you distress, then you deserve to get some help in figuring out how to not be distressed.
Truth: Sex is a lot more than intercourse. Healthy sex involves a variety of touching and intimate contact, and may or may not involve intercourse at all. Intercourse is great for making babies; sex is about intimacy and closeness, too, and that can be achieved in a lot of different ways.
Truth: Stress and busy-ness and external pressures can all cause your sex drive to diminish -- don't worry, it will return when you have more time and energy for it. But sometimes you have to make the time and find the energy. If you're too busy to have sex, then you might want to find ways to be less busy and make more time for sex and other pleasures.
Truth: There is an early period in every relationship where your sex drive is very high -- it's our brain's way of encouraging two people to bond. That settles down, and you won't always feel that kind of "lust" that you felt at first. In fact, if you stayed in "lust", you'd get nothing else done in life (eating, working, sleeping, etc)! There is nothing wrong with your relationship if your sexual frequency changes from daily to weekly, or weekly to monthly.
Sexual interest is very dependent on your level of stress, energy and distraction, as well as a natural waning of intensity after the first 6-12 months of a relationship. For most people, sexual desire comes and goes, and sometimes it's high and sometimes it's low. And that's normal!
So how do you help yourself enjoy a happy, healthy sex life?
- Know Thyself -- learn about how you like to be touched, what arouses you, what turns you off, and how you need to be touched to reach orgasm. This takes learning the anatomy and physiology of sex, and exploring through masturbation and other forms of self-touch.
- Learn about safer sex and how to keep yourself safe from sexually trasmitted infections. Learn more about barriers like condoms and oral sex dams, and get comfortable using
- Get more comfortable communicating your needs and wants to your partner, if you have one. Try to be non-judgmental when your partner does the same. Presenting an open attitude will help bring that attitude back to you.
- Say no when you don't want sex. Sometimes it's okay to negotiate around sex -- "Okay, I'll have sex with you now if you'll help me with X later" -- but if you really don't feel like it, that's okay, too.
- Make sure you have some down time and that you take the timeto be "in" your body. Find ways to love your body, regardless of how it does or doesn't conform to society's norms. Keep active, strong and healthy.
- Learn more about sex and all the different ways that people enjoy it together. Explore new things and make sure that you have fun during sex, whether it's with a partner or yourself.
- Try not to be goal-oriented -- orgasm is not the only thing you get out of sex. Aim for whole-body pleasure, connection, deepening intimacy and communication, or an exploration of sensations in addition to, or instead of, orgasm.
- Understand that sexuality changes over time -- what you want and like now may be nothing like what you want and like in five, ten, 20 years. Accepting changes and enjoying where you are now without expectations is the healthiest way to enjoy your sexuality. Trying to get "back" to how you were X years ago is not necessarily going to be rewarding, nor possible. Sex often gets better as you age, but it also becomes different from how it was when you were younger.
- Don't be afraid to integrate toys and other tools (vibrators, movies, lubricants) into your sex play. You're not a failure if you enjoy these things (lots of people do), and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you if you use these tools to increase your pleasure. If you're not interested in toys and tools, that's okay too.
- Ask for help when you need it -- from a friend, family, partner, professional, book or DVD. It's okay to recognize that you need some help, and there are lots of resources you can turn to when you need more information, more support, or another opinion.
- Communication is critical to making sex work well in your life. Learn to talk about what you like and want, and encourage the same from a partner.
Most of all, have fun! Laugh, be silly, be outrageous, and be yourself!
|
