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Dear Aphrodite,
I hear the word "libido" used a lot. What is it, exactly? If my libido isn't as frisky as I want it to be, what can I do?
 We talk about it a lot. "He has a high libido". "I don't have any libido" But what is it, really?
Technically, libido is defined as psychic energy. That's simple. It's energy that comes from the psyche. But what does it have to do with sex?
Without the psychic energy that is interpreted as desire by our conscious mind, sex doesn't happen.
Libido responds to a lot of different stimuli. Sometimes it's a rush of sensation that you notice in your genitals that starts you thinking, "hey, a little more of that would feel good". Other times it's an arousing image, memory or smell that helps you say, "I'd like to pursue something sexual right now." It can be the awareness of the rush of blood to your cheeks when you're aroused by someone or something. Sometimes it's a gesture or note or touch from a loved one that triggers a desire for more. Libido is the "mind" part of sex, the desire part of the process that leads you into further sexual play.
Why does it come and go?
Libido is pretty fragile. If you are distracted, tired, stressed or sick, your mind tends to send this form of psychic energy away. Your mind says, "Don't think about sex; you have more important things to attend to", even when you don't want it to. This can become a problem when your mind is focusing on other things and your partner's mind is saying "Hey, I feel sexy … let's romp!".
Libido is also very strong at the beginning of a relationship – it's the glue that bonds you together, but it settles down to a lower level about six months to two years later. Sometimes it is this change that concerns people, but it's very normal. Anyway, how would you find time to eat, sleep, work and socialize if you were having sex as often as you do when you first fall in love?
Why is my libido at a different level than my partner's?
Some people have a very active libido – their minds lead them to think about and want sex often. Others have a libido that is very mild – they may never really think about or want sex without some outside prompt, or they really aren't interested in sex at all. Our level of libido depends on our level of stress, our health, how many distractions are in our environment, how successful and pleasurable our most recent sexual experiences have been, and what we have been taught about how to feel about sex. A recent study even suggests that libido is genetic.
Your level of libido is individual, variable, and completely normal. It is only a problem if it causes you distress and you feel strongly that you want to do something to change it. But if you are fine with how you are and it works for you, then regardless of what anyone else thinks about your libido, you are normal.
Okay, so what can I do to change my libido?
It depends on whether or not you've always had a mild libido. If you have, then it is harder to change. Studies show that people with a "low" libido that has stayed the same for their whole adult lives have a very difficult time changing that level. In that situation it may be better to learn to adapt to how you are, rather than struggle to change it. If you want to try to change your libido and it has always been low or non-existent, we recommend getting help from a sex therapist.
Fortunately, libido is an elastic state of being that can be invited back into your life. It's also true that you can enjoy pleasurable sex without having a strong libido. Rosie King, MD writes: "Desire and arousal are two separate components, and are run by different parts of the brain ... it is much easier to be turned on if you start with a high level of desire. But even if initially you feel sexually uninterested, if your partner helps to warm you up ... you can enjoy a very pleasurable sexual experience ... [including] high levels of arousal and orgasm." (Rosie King, MD, "The Right Conditions for Lovemaking" from "Sex Tips and Tales from Women Who Dare" edited by Jo-Anne Baker).
If you have had a higher libido at different times in your life and you'd like to get it to be livelier again, here are some things you can do:
- Start with your body
Check in with your body. Do you feel attractive? Do you feel healthy? Feeling good about your body is important to your libido. Spend a little time helping yourself feel good in your skin, so you can feel sexy to yourself and someone else. A little exercise, a relaxing bath, a massage or some stretching can help you feel more alive and connected to your physical self. For some people, it also helps to wear some slinky, sexy lingerie under your clothes -- something that feels good to wear and makes you feel sexy. And remember, you are beautiful regardless of what shape or size you are.
- Get your mind in on it
Start thinking about the good sex you've enjoyed. Reflect on your favorite past encounters and fantasies. Allow your body to become aroused, paying attention to the feeling of blood flowing to your genitals. You may not produce lubrication the same way you used to, and that's perfectly normal. Try to recognize different signs of arousal: swollen labia, a flush on your chest, tension in your nipples, and an increase in breathing. If you have a partner, your partner may notice that your eyes are dilating as well. If you experience dryness of your vulva and vagina, we recommend massaging a moisturizing lubricant (Liquid Silk is a good choice) into the skin of your genitals twice a day. This increases the skin's elasticity and encourages blood flow so you become aroused more comfortably. See our Vaginal Rejuventation article and brochure for more information.
- Don't stop now!
Allow yourself to think positive sexual thoughts throughout the day, including fantasies, remembering past sexual experiences, and envisioning wonderful sex that you'd like to enjoy. Think about the variety of sexual activities that would be pleasurable, such as genital massage, oral sex and comfortable penetration, if you're ready for that and enjoy it.
- Then, try something a little frisky ...
Invite yourself on a sex date. If you did not masturbate before now, you are encouraged to begin. Make self-pleasure a part of your self-care routine. Learn how your body now responds to erotic thoughts, erotic stories and erotic pictures or movies. There is a lot of woman-friendly erotica available to help expand your fantasies and nurture your arousal during both self-pleasuring and partner sex.
Pleasuring yourself will help you know how it feels as your body becomes aroused, and what kinds of touch and sensation feel best to you. If you enjoy vaginal penetration, include that in your self-pleasuring, exploring how deeply you like to be penetrated and what width is most comfortable. Begin with one finger, then gently introduce a second when you feel ready. If you can comfortably be penetrated by two fingers, consider using a dildo or vibrator to increase your pleasure. Then, when or if you choose to have sex with a partner, you can teach your partner what you've learned about what works best for you.
- But what do I do with my partner if I'm not yet ready for sex with him or her?
Work on your sensual connection. Take time for giving and receiving massages and enjoying touch and sensation without pressure to have sex. The goal is to get more emotionally connected with your partner. Encourage your partner to masturbate, adding an erotic toy and/or movie if desired. When you're ready, start with genital massage using a personal lubricant as your massage lotion (oil can be irritating, so avoid oil or Vaseline on the genitals). Eventually, plan to massage each other to orgasm, focusing on the sensations of arousal and orgasm. Then, if you're interested in penetrative sex, have your partner massage you until you are quite aroused and ready for penetration.
- Keep sex going
It helps to create space for your sex life, without interruptions. Make a date with yourself and/or your partner to enjoy one or two hours of pleasure without answering the phone, dealing with the kids, or thinking about work pressures. We recommend scheduling time for sex, and choosing a time when you are relaxed and comfortable. Try not to get too hung up on the perceived loss of spontanaeity that comes with scheduling sex; remember, what you do sexually can still be spontaneous, even if the timing isn't.
If orgasms are important to you, make sure you get the stimulation you need to have at least one orgasm during sex play with your partner. Let yourself fantasize before and during sex. It's harmless, and a good way to increase your arousal. Don't concentrate too much on making your fantasies come true; they often lose their power to arouse and can be disappointing in real life. Enjoy the wild sexual field trips your mind can take.
Keep in mind that variety is important to keep sex interesting and exciting. You can try new positions and new locations. It's great to explore different types of sexual activities (oral sex, mutual masturbation). The Kama Sutra (an ancient marriage manual) recommends incorporating taste, smell, sound and different sensations to make sex even more rewarding.
Having good sex makes you want more sex
Building your own history of pleasurable, comfortable sexual experiences will encourage your libido to grow. Making time for sex and keeping yourself healthy and relaxed makes space for your libido to come out and play more often. As one woman said to us "You know, the more I have sex, the more I want to have sex."
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