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Dear Sex Counselor,
My partner and I have had beautiful sex together, but she wants to explore anal sex with me. I must say that every time my lover touches my anus, it is quite exciting. Do you have any suggestions?
 All of us -- regardless of gender and sexual orientation -- have sensitive nerve endings around the anus and rectum that can produce as much enjoyable stimulation as other erogenous zones. In fact, stimulation of the anus at the time of orgasm often results in a more intense orgasm. With lubricant and good communication, anal play can be very pleasurable.
We recommend two books on the subject of anal eroticism, whether you're just starting out or want to explore further:
Anal Pleasure & Health by Jack Morin
The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Tristan Taormino
Both include comprehensive information about anatomy, safety, and pleasure.
For everyone exploring anal eroticism, please keep in mind a few simple guidelines:
- Take your time, massage, and relax
The muscles that surround the anal opening (anal sphincters) can get hurt when you're tense, so a good way to start anal play is by massaging and relaxing the anal muscles and other muscles in the anal region.
Hands are more responsive and sensitive than toys, so we recommend you start with finger massage. To begin, cover your hands with latex gloves, and begin your exploration with your fingers. Apply plenty of lubricant both to your gloved fingers and to the outside of the anus. Latex and lubricant combine to provide a very slick surface that makes massage and penetration more comfortable. Plus, your hands are protected from contact with bacteria that could enter the bloodstream if you have any cuts.
- Add plenty of lubricant
When considering anal penetration, keep in mind that the anus and rectum don't produce lubrication, so add lots of lube to your play. We recommend a thick, cushioning lube such as Maximus or Sex Grease, both of which will hold on to moisture and maintain slipperiness over time. Don't use a desensitizing gel or cream -- they block painful sensations that tell you if you're hurting your partner or yourself.
- Communicate, and stop if it hurts
Anal eroticism is for pleasure. Pain could mean that you're damaging tissue. Massaging the anal muscles will take time, and you will notice that they will sometimes tense and relax, then tense and relax again. This relaxation process is normal, and there is no need to speed up the process. Enter the anus only when the sphincter is relaxed and opens up. Let the person being penetrated guide the depth and timing. You should hear (or say) "yes," "no," "I like that," "I don't like that" often.
- Only use toys with flared bases
Toys without flared bases can get lost in the colon, which is a medical emergency and requires a trip to the ER.
- If you're using a toy, consider its length and shape
Keep in mind that the rectum curves 3-5 inches in from the opening, so consider a shorter toy or one flexible enough to bend around that curve.
- Cleanliness is next to ...
If you use a toy for anal penetration, we recommend silicone toys, because they can be sterilized by boiling or bleaching. Otherwise, use a condom on your anal toy every time. Don't move toys (or anything else) from the anus to the vagina without a thorough cleaning, or a vaginal infection could result.
So remember, communicate through the whole experience, use lots of lubricant, and take it slowly and gently.
How to choose an anal toy
- Do you want something to thrust in and out of the anus or something just to be inserted and left in place?
Anal plugs such as Tristan, Dahlia, and Tori are designed to be inserted and left inside to produce the sensation of "filling." They can intensify orgasms, since the same muscles that contract during orgasm also extend around the anus and contract against the plug. Many plugs are pear-shaped and have a narrow neck before the flared base. The sphincter naturally closes around the narrow part of the neck, helping you keep the plug in more easily.
If you enjoy thrusting, consider a dildo with a flared base and no taper before the base, so that you don't damage the sphincter during thrusting. Isadora 1, 2 and3 are good choices.
Anal beads and "bubbly" toys like Ripple, Felicity and Silicone Anal Beads offer a variety of sensations by being inserted for the filling sensation, then removed just before or during orgasm to intensify the orgasm.
- How wide should your toy be?
Anal plugs and dildos are available in a range of sizes, from about one finger's width to the size of a fist. To choose the right width, figure out how many fingers you're comfortable being penetrated with when you're fully aroused, and get a toy that's about that same width.
- Do you want something that vibrates?
Many people like the extra stimulation of vibration. Some anal plugs vibrate, and some vibrators can be used anally (but only if they have a flared base). If you intend to share this toy or use it vaginally, take extra care when cleaning it, or cover it with a condom every time you use it. Also, silicone transmits vibrations very well, so a nice way to add vibration to your anal play is to hold a vibrator to the base of a silicone toy.
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