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Dear Aphrodite,
Why should I masturbate? Where do I start?
 Self pleasure, also known as masturbation, specifically refers to touching yourself sexually in a way that feels good. There is no one right way to masturbate, and as long as it doesn't hurt, there's certainly no wrong way.
Masturbating for your own pleasure, on your own terms, is a way to deepen your relationship with the most important person in your life -- you! Masturbation can strengthen your pelvic muscles, revitalize body tissues, overcome insomina, reduce depression, lessen period-related (menstrual) discomfort, and release emotional tension and stress. Masturbation is normal, healthy, and good for your body and your mind.
On Your Mark...
Your whole body is covered in nerve endings ready to be caressed by your sensitive fingertips. Your face, neck, breasts, stomach, thighs, vulva and anus are all sensitive and within easy reach. Take a tour of your body, touching different areas and paying attention to the sensations they produce.
Get Set ...
Here are some ways to prepare for pleasuring yourself:
- First, give yourself permission to play and experiment. This is about finding out what feels good and pleasurable, without pressure or expectations.
- Find a space that is comfortable and private.
- Pay attention to what you might need or want so you can fully relax. Many women like to take a warm bath, lie in a sunny room, snuggle under covers, take off clothes, keep on clothes, or gather pillows to prop themselves into comfortable positions. Others like to select a certain kind of music, light candles, or burn aromatherapy candles or incense. Remember to turn off your phone (hang it out the window if you have to!), and settle your kitchen, pets, kids, etc. before you begin.
- Gather any tools you might like to have nearby. If you like vibrators or other toys, put your playthings within reach.
- Keeping things slippery helps maintain sexual sensations, so we especially like to keep a favorite lubricant nearby. Lubricant can reduce friction and increase sensation, as well as moisturize tissues. There are many types of lube which feel really different to your hand, and to your body (see our How to Choose a Lubricant article for more information). Get little sample packs, and give 'em a road test! You can always use saliva or warm water, too.
Go!
Let your mind wander to whatever you find sexually exciting -- fantasy or reality, a book, a movie, or thoughts of a lover. If you don't like to fantasize, focus on the pleasures of the present moment.
Let your hands roam around your body, wherever feels good. Play with your breasts and nipples, your stomach, your thighs. Squeeze, rub, brush and/or tickle your skin.
Bring your focus to your vulva, and explore the sensation of pressure on your inner and outer labia, the head and shaft of your clitoris, the opening of your vagina. Some touches may feel electric or ticklish, and you may feel them ripple through your whole body. Once you find a kind of touch you really like, stick with it for a while, and see how your body responds. Let yourself play this way for as long as you like.
Some kinds of touches to try are:
- long strokes on the labia and along the clitorial legs,
- short, pushing strokes against the side of the shaft of the clitoris (4 and 8 o'clock)
- using four finger tips (without the thumb) or the palm of the hand on the whole vulva,
- gently pulling the lips and clitoral shaft between fingers and thumb,
- splitting fingers into a "V" shape, rubbing on either side of the shaft of the clitoris,
- stroking or entering the vaginal opening with one or more fingers,
- making circular or figure-eight motions with one or several fingers on the clitoris and labia,
- stroking upward from the vaginal opening to the clitoris,
- directly tapping or stroking the clitoris or the clitoral shaft,
- using both hands at the same time, touching thighs as well as vulva,
- touching your clitoris with one hand, and your anus or nipples with the other.
Speed Up. Slow down. Tickle, tap, press firmly, switch hands. Try different strokes. Listen to your body and go with your instinct for what feels right.
Now What?
Lots of things happen to our bodies when we masturbate and become sexually aroused. Muscles in your back, thighs, pelvis and stomach may clench and release on their own. Your hips may seem like they suddenly have a mind of their own, what with the thrusting and gyrating that comes naturally for some. Your breathing may change, becoming shallow or deep, or you may have the urge to hold your breath at times. Your skin may become warm and flushed, and you might begin to sweat. Your voice may want to make itself heard. These are all normal parts of becoming sexually aroused.
Keep in mind that arousal builds over time. While some enjoy short "warm-up" sessions, others like to take their time cultivating different sensations over a period of hours. Enjoy what you discover, and take a break whenever you need to or want to. If you're specifically seeking an orgasm, remember that this peak sensation can take devoted attention to achieve, often 40 minutes or more.
How to know if you have an orgasm
An orgasm can feel like a small "blip", a giant sneeze, or an internal earthquake. Orgasms are different for everyone, but most women describe a sensation of rising muscle tension and excitement followed by an intense sensation of release and a pleasurable muscle spasms in the pelvis and groin. Some people feel an electric "zing" that seems to travel up their spine and out their mouth or the top of their head. Other people experience a warm sense of pleasure and satisfaction, but nothing specific that they can describe.
Don't worry if you don't have an orgasm when you masturbate, or if it takes a long time to reach. Every person is an individual and experiences orgasm differently. Some people experience what they describe as different types of orgasms at different times. Also, your sexual responsiveness may change over time. Studies show that the more practice your body has, the easier it becomes to experience orgasm in the future. So in this case, remember that practice makes pleasure.
Common Questions
Can I use something other than my fingers?
There are many ways to self-pleasure. Some women intensify pressure to increase sensation. Ways to experiment with pressure are to squeeze your legs together, or to squeeze blankets, pillows, arms of couches or balled up socks between your thighs and against your vulva. Some women like to ride the edges of bathtubs or furniture, because it adds pressure but allows them complete hip movement.
Some women like things that vibrate or pulsate, because these sensations are more penetrating than finger touch alone. Sources of vibration can be ingeniously found all around your home! Play with the washing machine on a spin cycle, a back or foot massager, or a vibrating pager! Running water can also be a great toy. Try a shower massager with variable settings, directing the water to either side of the head of the clitoris, or scoot down on your back in the bathtub so water from the tap can flow between your legs. Jacuzzi jets directed on the vulva (but never into the vagina, please) can also deliver a range of interesting sensations.
When we talk about "vibrators" we are referring to toys that are designed for sexual play. Vibrators are available in many different shapes, sizes and intensities. See our How to Choose a Vibrator article and brochure for more information. Once you find a sensation that you like, experiment in the same way you did with your hands: different angles, pressures, and speeds.
Some women enjoy a sense of fullness or thrusting during masturbation. Dildos and insertable vibrators can provide a variety of sensations. Just don't insert anything into your vagina that has sharp edges or is fragile, or that cannot be easily retrieved with your fingers, and don't insert anything into your anus unless it has a flared base. Consult our How to Choose a Dildo article and brochure for more information.
Is masturbation only for single people?
No. Mastubation is a way to learn what feels good to you, with or without a partner. When you masturbate with a partner, you can teach them what you know about your body, and how you like to be touched. Masturbation is also a way to meet your own sexual needs if your partner is tired, ill, or on a different sexual rhythm than you are.
Will masturbation cause health problems?
No. There are no health risks associated with masturbation. In fact sexual pleasure is good for your health! If you are doing something and it doesn't feel good, mentally or physically, it's time to try something different.
Will masturbation desensitize me to other kinds of sex?
No. If you're already having other kinds of sex, think of this as adding new tools to your pleasure kit. If you like to touch yourself, that doesn't mean that you won't like being touched by someone else. Some women find that they can have an orgasm more easily or more quickly when they are masturbating. While your range of sexual pleasure may expand, you haven't created a trade-off between masturbation and other kinds of sex. It's up to you to decide how and when to use all the tools in your kit.
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