Pregnancy is a time in which your body and your roles may shift dramatically. These changes can bring a transformation in your view of yourself as a sexual person. You may feel newly grounded in your body, and revel in your creative sensuality. Your breasts may become larger, your genitals more lubricated and engorged with blood, and you may feel proud and sexy, leading you to feel more in touch with your sexuality than you ever have before.
You may also feel as though you're evolving a brand new and sometimes awkward body. People in your life and even total strangers may begin to see you as a mother and ignore your sexual self. You may yourself feel less sexual than you did before you became pregnant.
Sexuality during pregnancy has important benefits:
- Being sexually intimate and aroused is a wonderful way to connect to your sexual side, to remind yourself of and celebrate the fact that you are a beautiful sexual creature.
- Sex may lessen some of the aches and pains that accompany pregnancy and help you sleep.
- Orgasms can tone and strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, which help you carry the pregnancy comfortably, assist during vaginal delivery, and help recovery after delivery.
- If you have a partner, sex can help you feel close, have fun and play together, relieve tension, and celebrate your relationship before the changes that come with parenthood.
- As for the baby, some say that the rocking motions of intercourse can soothe and relax her.
Will sex hurt the baby?
Pregnant women and their partners worry that sex, especially vaginal penetration, will somehow harm the pregnancy. This is not the case. Your body was beautifully designed to protect and cushion your pregnancy. Your baby is additionally protected inside your uterus by a surrounding pillow of amniotic fluid.
The vulva and vaginal canal are perfectly capable of responding to sexual arousal with no danger to the pregnancy. Far inside the vagina lies the cervix, a strong, muscular doughnut-shaped structure that helps hold the pregnancy in place. Since the cervix is softer during pregnancy, any sexual practices that could cut, tear, or bruise the cervix should be avoided.
For most women, vaginal penetration is gentle to the cervix. If you use firm/hard toys, avoid deep, hard thrusting that can harm the cervix. Also, know that nothing will get lost inside of you: until the very end of pregnancy, the cervical opening will develop a small gelatin plug, and will remain much too small for anything like a penis, fingers, or a dildo to pass through.
If you have a history of miscarriage, your health care provider may ask you to avoid vaginal penetration, especially during the first trimester. There is no medical evidence that penetration causes miscarriage or that abstaining will prevent miscarriage, but it's fine to wait until after delivery if it will help you feel less stressed. Your midwife or doctor may also ask you to abstain from sex if your pregnancy is considered "high-risk" for other reasons. If you experience pain, bleeding that goes beyond spotting, or discharge with an unpleasant odor or a yellow or greenish color, call your health care provider.
What if my health care provider says "no sex"?
Make sure that you know what is meant by "sex." What about oral sex? Anal sex? Are you to avoid penetration, or is orgasm prohibited altogether? Find out why she or he has placed restrictions on sex and make sure you are clear about what is being recommended to you and why. Ask about any sexual practices you enjoy that your health care provider has not specifically addressed. If you have concerns about sex, by all means, ask. If your provider is uncomfortable or unable to answer your questions, find other reliable sources of information.
Is it okay to have sex when I'm due to deliver?
There are many benefits sex can have for the birthing process. When a baby is overdue, sex can be useful in bringing on labor. Orgasm and nipple stimulation can help induce contractions and stimulate labors that have slowed or stopped. Some people worry that these techniques can bring on premature labor, but remember that if everything is going along as it should, labor generally doesn't start before it is supposed to.
If your partner is male, the prostaglandins in his semen can also help ripen the cervix. While in labor, dancing, kissing, cuddling, and being caressed and massaged by your partner (although it is unlikely that you will want to do these things throughout your entire labor) are great ways to feel connected and supported.
Rocking your hips and making low moaning noises, like the motions and noises you make during sex, can resume stalled labors, make you feel focused and uninhibited, and help babies descend into the birthing canal and settle into optimal birthing positions. As midwife Ina Mae Gaskin says, "The energy that gets the baby in gets the baby out." Some women even have spontaneous orgasms during childbirth. (For further discussion of this phenomenon, you may wish to consult the book Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin.) We acknowledge that this isn't every woman's experience or ideal, and we don't suggest that you focus on achieving orgasm during delivery. However, we do think that it is helpful to present this rarely offered perspective on childbirth: it can be a safe, sensual, satisfying experience.
What about other kinds of sex play?
- Oral sex is usually fine during pregnancy. Some women find that the increased engorgement of their vulva intensifies the warmth and sensation of oral play. However, your partner should not blow air into your vagina, as it could push normal bacteria up into the uterus (where it doesn't belong), or force harmful air bubbles to travel into your bloodstream. These little bubbles can be dangerous for both you and your pregnancy.
- Trim fingernails to prevent cutting the cervix or dislodging the cervical plug during manual stimulation.
- Make sure not to transfer secretions from the anus to the vagina. Use a condom (over a toy or penis) or glove during anal play, and remove or change it before any vaginal play.
- Anal penetration is often most comfortable during the first trimester of pregnancy. After that time, the increased blood engorgement of the anal area can cause veins to bulge out, resulting in hemorrhoids. The hemorrhoids themselves can make anal penetration uncomfortable. Decide for yourself what your level of comfort is.
- Anal massage, alone or in conjunction with perineal massage is a very healthy, safe practice. The perineum, located between the vaginal opening and the anus, is where most of the stretch of vaginal delivery will occur, and moisturizing and massaging this area allows you to prepare for the labor process and recuperate afterward. Remember to keep anal secretions from being transferred into the vaginal canal, because they can cause dangerous infections in the uterus.
Remember that safer sex is still important during pregnancy. Many of us stop using condoms during pregnancy, since we don't need them for contraception. However, this leaves us exposed to sexually transmitted infections from our partner(s). Many easily contracted infections (syphilis, herpes, chlamydia, HIV, gonorrhea) can be very dangerous and life-threatening to the baby. If you've been intimate without barrier protection with an un-tested partner, ask your health care provider to test you and your partner for sexually transmitted infections.
Is it okay to use sex toys during pregnancy?
Most sex toys are fine to use during pregnancy. Ideally, a toy used during pregnancy should be made from non-porous, easy to clean materials recommended for those with chemical sensitivities. Safe materials include silicone, Lucite, and hard plastic. If your toy is made of a substance that does not fit this description, such as jelly or Cyberskin, we recommend covering it with a latex or polyurethane condom before use.
Vibrators made of silicone, Lucite and hard plastic are safe to use on the vulva during pregnancy. An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. You are toning your pelvic floor, and helping yourself get a good night's sleep without medication. Unless your health care provider tells you, "no orgasms", go ahead and have fun!
Sexual lubricants that are designed for penetration are also safe for use during pregnancy. If you have any special concerns about using specific chemicals during the pregnancy, read the product labels. You may choose to switch to one with fewer ingredients, or organic production methods (such as the Sympathical Formulas lubes).
Can pregnancy affect sexual desire?
You bet. Remember, your body is experiencing lots of hormonal changes as well as shape changes. Your life is also in transition. All these things can affect sexual desire. In some women, sexual desire is greatly increased. Other women find that their interest in sex wanes. Be kind to yourself, and don't judge yourself for these peaks and dips in desire.
Likewise, be understanding of your partner. If she or he has needs that you feel you cannot meet at this point in your pregnancy, be accepting of their use of masturbation, sex toys, erotic literature, magazines or movies. It may even be fun and helpful for you to enjoy some of these things with your partner -- you never know what might put you in the mood.
Just like at other stages in our lives, maintaining a satisfying sex life during pregnancy takes effort. You may wish to plan times to be sexual with yourself or a partner, bring a sense of play to sex with games and toys, experiment with different positions and techniques, or find non-genital ways to connect intimately, such as massage.
Sometimes attempting to be sexual is a good way to put yourself in the mood. Start with your body and your head may very well follow. As midwife Elizabeth Davis says, "The more you have sex, the more you have sex."
And don't be afraid to have fun! You may feel inundated with solemn advice about the baby and people treating you like a fragile princess — all the more reason to incorporate fun, naughtiness, and laughter into your sex play.
