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Dear Sex Counselor,
I'm a little curious about dildos. Why would someone want to use one? How can I choose one that's the right shape and size for me?
 Dildos are the oldest sex toys known to humans, with the earliest dating back to 5000 BC. Although they are generally used for vaginal penetration, dildos are available in many shapes and sizes (perhaps because people's desires come in many shapes and sizes) and can be used for vaginal, anal or oral penetration. Most dildos can be hand-held or used in a harness (see our How to Choose a Harness article for related information). Here are some ways that people use dildos:
- Women use dildos during self-pleasuring when they want the feeling of vaginal penetration.
- Women and men use dildos for anal penetration during self-pleasuring.
- Women use dildos to penetrate female or male partners.
- Men use dildos with female or male partners to provide penetration independent of an erection.
We generally recommend silicone dildos (rather than rubber or plastic), because they are flexible, easy to clean and sterilize, nearly indestructible, and will warm to body temperature as you use them. Many people who are allergic to latex rubber can use silicone without experiencing an allergic reaction. Lucite and glass dildos share many of the same features as silicone, but are inflexible (which can be great for directing firm stimulation right where you like it) and warm more slowly.
To pick the dildo that's right for you, ask yourself the following questions. You don't have to know all the answers, but the clearer you are about what you're hoping for, the easier your choice will be.
- How many fingers do you like having inside of you when you're aroused?
For most people, the dildo's width is more sexually important than its length. If you’re in the store, compare the width of your fingers to the demos in our stores. If you’re shopping online or in our catalog, you’ll notice that we provide a finger-width equivalence as well as exact measurements in each description.
- Which length will work best for you?
If you're in doubt about which length might be right, consider getting one a bit on the longer side, like Chusi or Leona -- if it's too long, you can always choose not to insert it fully. Also keep in mind the fact that you will lose about half an inch of the dildo's length if it's used in a harness.
- Do you want "thrusting" or "filling"?
If you enjoy vigorous thrusting, you'll need a dildo with a moderate to firm consistency, like Laverne or Ishtar. Some dildos, like Rita, are soft and squishy, making them comfortable for filling and slow movements, but they might bend too much with quick thrusting. Again, we provide this information on the website and in the catalog for those who can't browse our stores in person.
- Do you want your vaginal opening stimulated a lot?
If so, consider a dildo with a prominent head or ridges or swirls along the shaft. The silicone Dorothy (for example) provides strong sensations at the mouth of the vagina when moved in and out, as do some of the other deeply ridged options. If you have trouble with too much sensitivity at the vaginal opening, consider a dildo with a straighter shape, like Phoebe, and consider a lower-friction-option, such as Lucite or glass.
- Do you want G-spot or T-Zone stimulation?
If so, choose a dildo with a slight curve designed to hit that sensitive spot, like Mollie or Mistress. If you don't like G-spot or T-zone stimulation, choose a dildo with very little curve.
- Do you want prostate stimulation?
When choosing a dildo for prostate stimulation, keep in mind that the rectum curves about 3-5 inches into the body, so you'll want a dildo that's either curved (like Cora) or flexible enough to bend around the curve in the rectum (like Isadora 1, 2 or 3). The Aneros toys are specifically designed to massage the prostate, but aren’t harness-compatible.
- Will it be hand-held or used in a harness?
A hand can control the depth of penetration pretty well, but a harness makes it more difficult to gauge how deeply you are penetrating your partner. Women who dislike deep penetration might want to use a shorter dildo. Keep in mind, though, that you will lose about half an inch of the dildo's length in a harness, so consider that when choosing. We recommend using the dildo in your hand first, so you get a good sense of how deeply you or your partner likes to be penetrated.
P.S. This is your toy!
Don’t be too concerned about what anyone else will think if you buy a particular color, shape, or size. It’s your toy and your pleasure — choose what you like!
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