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Description:
One of our ace reviewers wrote:
"If there's one person in the adult industry I'd want to take sex
advice from, it'd be Nina Hartley. With her winning combination of
sexual experience and medical know-how, Nina is an empathic,
intelligent, and sincere sexual educator. With thirty educational
movies under her belt, it turns out that she (plus her co-author) also has a knack for
writing about sex in a way that is lucid, accessible, empowering, and
entertaining.
Nina aims to help readers create satisfying erotic lives for
themselves using information and insight garnered from her own
wide-ranging sexual experiences. She wants readers to develop the
skills, or at the very least the self-knowledge, to have the kind of
sex life that makes them happy. The "total sex" of the title doesn't
mean "totally hot sex" or anything superlative, but rather "sex that
involves us totally," that is, sex that involves and integrates all
parts of us as human beings.
The book is divided into chapters, each of which deals with a
particular sexual activity. The chapters are organized into 3
sections: Basics, Extras, and Options. Nina believes that to be a
good lover, you should be well-versed in the basics: masturbation,
foreplay, oral sex, and "making love"/vaginal penetration. She also
includes anal sex in this section, although she understands that not
everyone will want to explore this. She emphasizes the integration
all of these skills into a whole sexual experience.
The "Extras" section covers toys, swinging, and threesomes. This is
probably the only general sex guide I've read that deals with swinging
and threesomes in such detail, or at all, probably because Nina has a
lot of experience in both realms (or all three, since MMF and FFM
threesomes each has its own chapter!).
The "Options" are BDSM-related (having to do with bondage & dominance and "sadomasochism"). This section is a good, basic
overview of these topics for the intended audience of the book. She
demystifies BDSM-style activities and describes how you can incorporate
them into love-making if you choose. She operates under the
assumption that BDSM play is foreplay, meant to help to build
up to a very hot sexual encounter. She's into experimentation, but
when you get right down to it, she believes that everything is there
to make the "basics" all the more fun. This is a very different
attitude than you'd find in books focusing primarily on BDSM, and it's
one that works well in this context.
Her descriptions of various activities are easy to
understand, and she conveys authority without trying to be an
"expert." She does so by speaking from experience, discussing what
has worked well for her and her many lovers. While a lot of her
descriptions are quite specific and therefore not going to please
everyone, her advice is solid (although we disagree with her lubricant advice...but that's a very small part of the book), and it's coupled with an emphasis on
communicating with your partner about what feels good. This approach
is especially helpful as a starting point for anyone who feels
inexperienced and/or wants to build confidence in their ability to
please someone.
The language in this book comprises an odd, yet charming
assortment of medical and vernacular terms. Her medical expertise is
evident in her detailed anatomical descriptions, while her background
in the adult industry shows when she uses slang terms like "pussy" and
"cock." She frequently uses both in the same sentence, for example,
describing a woman's "pussy" and then her fourchette or introitus.
Nina repeatedly states that few inherent differences between
genders exist, which she demonstrates right away by describing the
analogous tissues that develop in a fetus. Interestingly, she uses
these similarities to describe what feels good for someone of the
opposite sex (i.e. rubbing her clit like so feels like touching your
penis like so). Even still, this book is aimed at heterosexual
couples. In each oral sex chapter, for example, she addresses
opposite-sex partners. That said, she's so nonjudgmental and friendly
that non-heterosexual people will probably find something of value
here. Her own love of women shines through, so that even though she's
addressing men in the "making love to women" chapter, it would be
perfectly helpful to women as well. The only subset I don't see
represented in this book is gay men. From the female-stripper
silhouettes on each page to the strong emphasis on women's pleasure,
there's not a lot here for them.
A sexual liberationist at heart, Nina trusts her body more
than any institution or outside authority. Sex, she argues, has no
meaning or morality outside of that which we invest in it. Politics
have no place in the bedroom because the personal is NOT necessarily
political. She encourages readers to trust and listen to their own
bodies because "pleasure, the language of the body, is truly
universal," even though the "grammar" and "vocabulary" of pleasure are
an individual matter. She emphasizes how crucial informed consent is
in everything you do with another person, sexually or otherwise. She
advocates being fully present in sexual experiences, which means being
honest about how you feel and what you want, as well as not having sex
if you're too drunk or high to drive a car (a point she harps on
frequently).
The few things I didn't like about this book are small
details, nothing that would keep me from recommending it. My biggest
complaint is her attitude that safer sex is a necessary annoyance
(let's encourage people to make it fun, alright?).
Overall, this is a helpful, well-written, compassionate, and
entertaining book. Her friendly, straightforward approach is
appealing, and the combination of practicality and entertainment in
one guide makes this book worthy of a place on anyone's shelf."358 pages Authors: Nina Hartley with I.S. Levine. 2006.
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