First Anal Intercourse Hurt...what to do?
posted: 09/26/2011 5:00 pm
My partner and I attempted anal sex recently with lots of lube (or at least we thought so) and it was so painful, he wasn't able to get in. Is this a physical problem? We used Liquid Silk but maybe need a different lube? I was sexually abused as a child (although not anally that I know of) but have had years of therapy and thought I had resolved all of these issues. We enjoy vaginal intercourse but he has enjoyed anal sex before with previous partners and I am interested in trying. His penis is about average but do we need to start smaller? Now that I have had a painful experience, is it going to be even more difficult the next time? Please help.
Thanks for the question. Anal intercourse experiences are all over the map for many people. We usually suggest that people start by exploring with a lot of massage and then gently introduce first one, then two, then three fingers as the receiver becomes more relaxed and comfortable. This gives you, the receiver, an opportunity to practice relaxing the anal sphincter more and more, and to get a sense of what full anal relaxation feels like. Many women tense their pelvic floor muscles (the ones that surround the opening of the vagina and anus) when they begin to get aroused, and this can make anal penetration more painful if you are not conscious of the need to keep focusing on relaxing those muscles.
Liquid Silk is a good choice for a lubricant, though you may want to try a thicker silicone-based one like Uberlube, since that won't soak in to the skin as you proceed. I don't know whether the memory of the pain will get in your way, but I would recommend taking a step back and doing a lot of exploration and play with his fingers inside of you, relaxing consciously each time he adds another finger, and maybe introduce a dildo to your play before you try his penis inside of you. I would also suggest that you control the penetration and thrusting - so that you move when you're comfortable, and you're not feeling like he's going "too fast" for your comfort. If he is penetrating from behind, this means you moving back to him rather than him moving into you. Make sure that you add clitoral stimulation at the same time, with your fingers or a vibrator or his fingers, so that you stay aroused and in a pleasure place as you proceed. The first time you may even want to just move onto him, ask him not to thrust, and then have an orgasm with him inside your anus, if he can control himself enough to let you do that.
And finally, remember that some women just don't enjoy anal intercourse, and that is ok.